Burn It To The Ground
by purplepagoda
Summary: Deals with the aftermath of the season finale. Of course I put my own spin on it. Will Jackie stay on the straight and narrow if she has a reason, or will it be too much to handle. Will this be the thing that pushes her the rest of the way over the edge?
1. Speedbump

When she gets home, she's alone. She is completely alone in the house, left with only her own thoughts. She takes a seat on the couch. The pit at the bottom of her stomach reminds her that she is, _Jackie Peyton, full of shit._ She's just stood up in front of all of the people she loves, and lied to them. The guilt only makes her want to dive into a bottle of pills even more. She heads into the kitchen, and begins to rifle through the drawers. A few minutes later her kitchen is a disaster as she climbs onto the counter to reach into the back of the cabinet. Her phone begins to ring. She pulls turns around, and has a seat on the countertop. She pulls the phone to her ear without a second thought.

"Hello?" she answers.

"Jackie I need you to come down here."

"Eddie I am in the middle of something."

"I need you to come down here now."

"What is so important? You chewed me out earlier today, why the hell are you calling me now?"

"Just come down here. I found out something you need to hear."

"Eddie I don't have time for this bullshit."

"Your thing is over, what are you doing? You're probably at home, alone, rifling through your cabinets for a stray pill."

"I..."

"Get your ass down here," he insists.

She hangs up.

* * *

She soon finds herself inside the pharmacy of All Saints. Eddie points to the cot room.

"Let's talk."

She shakes her head, "I am not going in there with you to go down memory lane."

"I need to talk to you somewhere nobody can hear us."

"Eddie..." she tries to reason with him.

"Jackie just trust me."

Her nostrils flare as follows him into the other room. He closes the door behind her. She stops in front of the cot. She turns, and looks at him. He faces her.

"What the hell did you call me down here for?"

"Something I thought about when you left here."

"Something you couldn't tell me over the phone?"

"I saw that look in your eyes today."

"What look?"

"The one you get before you're about ready to dive head first into a bottle of percocet."

"Eddie don't be ridiculous."

"Jackie look me in the eye, and honestly tell me that you've been sober for a year."

"On year, today," she insists.

"I hope you're telling the truth."

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"It suddenly occurred to me, today, when I saw that look. You are so good at lying. You are so good at hiding things. How the hell do I know if you are ever telling the truth?"

"Eddie you have the blood test."

"I know."

"You know I am clean."

"I know that you were clean."

"Why all of the sudden do you think that I'm not?"

"Today was a rough day."

"Eddie don't give me this bullshit. Just tell me what you called me for."

"I had the lab do an expanded panel. I wanted to make sure that you didn't do something to screw with the results."

"Eddie I assure you that I didn't."

"Jackie for your sake I hope that you are telling me the truth."

"Why do you care? You blew up on me earlier today. You made it pretty clear that you don't want to be my girlfriend. You don't want to be my friend, so why am I here?"

"Have a seat," he points to the cot.

"This is bullshit," she takes a step forward, "I'm leaving."

She pulls the door open partway. He steps in, between her, and the door. He slams the door shut, with his body. Her hand falls from the door handle.

"Sit the fuck down!" he insists.

She shakes her head, and returns to the cot. She takes a seat.

"What?"

"I wanted to make sure that you didn't bribe the lab."

"I have never bribed the lab."

"I needed to know that you were being true to your word."

"You already told me that. Why am I here? You haven't said anything that you couldn't say over the phone."

"The lab ran a very extensive panel."

"So what you're telling me, is that you invaded my privacy to appease your own guilty conscience?"

"I don't have anything to be guilty about, do you?"

"Don't turn this around on me."

"No matter how many days sober you are you are always going to be a drug addict. You are always going to think like an addict. I can't change that."

"Then why do you keep trying."

"Because I care about you. I don't want to find you overdosed in the middle of the E.R. so far gone that we can't get you back."

"Whatever," she rolls her eyes.

"Jackie I called you, because I wanted to tell you what I found out."

"You found out that I'm clean, and sober."

"I wanted to tell you that one of the tests came back positive."

"What are you talking about?"

"Look Jackie I don't know how to say this. I know I am not the one that you should be hearing this from, either."

"Hearing what? Do I have some terminal illness? Am I dying?"

He shakes his head, "No, but when I tell you are going to wish that everything you just said is true, if it's not."

"Just tell me. Whatever it is, I can handle it."

"Three letters," he tells her.

"Three letters? What the hell are you talking about? CBC? WBC? HIV? There are a thousand different tests with three letters. You are going to have to be more specific."

"Ok," he nods, trying to formulate how to tell her.

"Just spit it out."


	2. Disarray

"HCG," he reveals.

"What?" she furrows her brow.

"It is a hormone..." he begins to explain.

"I am an E.R. nurse I know what HCG stands for. I am telling you that there is some mistake with your test," she insists.

"I had them run it three times, there is no doubt."

She furrows her brow, "Are you shitting me right now?"

"What do you mean?"

"Are you making this up, in hopes that you will get me to confess to you about something I didn't do?"

He takes the folded piece of paper out of the pocket of his lab coat. He hands it to her.

"So there are two scenarios here. One you swapped your sample with someone else's, and they are pregnant. Or, this was really your blood, and you're pregnant."

"Look, Eddie if this is some kind of cruel joke to teach me some lesson that you think I haven't learned, you have taken it far enough."

"This only exists on paper, anymore. That paper. You have the only copy. I deleted all of the extra panels that I ordered."

"Covering your steps, or making shit up, I can't tell which."

"If you don't believe me then you should have another blood draw."

"Absolutely not."

"Jackie tell me the truth, was it your blood?"

"Zoey took the blood to the lab herself. Zoey is the most honest person that I know. Do you think she would do that?"

"No."

"Ok."

"Then what you are telling me is the blood truly is yours?"

"Yes."

"Then you are pregnant."

"I am forty six years old there is now freaking way."

"Look I am not going to argue about this with you. I know you, far better than you ever wanted me to. I know things about you that aren't pretty. I suspect that when you went home today, after an entire year of work you went home and took a pill. You were rewarding yourself. That is what you want to believe, but in reality you're just sabotaging yourself, again."

Jackie folds up the paper, and stuffs it in her pocket. She rises from the cot, "I don't need this shit right now."

He remains firmly stationed in front of the door, "Fine. But I am taking you home."

"No, you're not."

"I am."

"Why would you do that?"

"I don't want you to self destruct."

"Eddie."

"I am going to go to your house, and digging through every drawer, and hiding place, until I find all of the pills. Then I am going to flush every last one of them."

"I can't deal with you right now."

He nods, "Fine, but think about what I've just told you. It's our secret. No one ever has to know."

"But?"

"You never see that it's not just your life that you're screwing up."

* * *

On that note he steps away from the door. She pushes past him. She pulls the door open, and leaves the pharmacy. She leaves the building, and heads home. She stops at the drugstore on her way home.

When she returns home she cleans up the mess that she has made, in the kitchen. She tucks everything back into its place. She takes a seat at the table, and stares at the brown paper bag in the center. She sits in silence staring at the bag for ten minutes. Finally she pushes her chair out from the table, and grabs the bag. She carries it out of the kitchen, and up the stairs. She locks herself in the bathroom, despite the fact that no one else is there. She uses the restroom, and returns to her room. She climbs into bed, feeling completely defeated. She is overwhelmed by emotion that she has no desire to feel. She closes her eyes, and sleep soon consumes her.

When she wakes she prays that the events of the previous day have been a dream. She pulls open the drawer of her nightstand, and opens the box her wedding band is in. She finds that the only thing in the box is her wedding band.

Her stomach ties into knots as she enters the bathroom. She finds a trashcan full of empty boxes. She briefly glances at the bathroom counter. The plastic pregnancy tests cover the counter. She closes her eyes, and randomly grabs one. She holds it out, and stares at the result. Unsatisfied with what it says she tosses it in the trash, with the boxes. She takes a deep breath and steps closer to the bathroom counter. She looks down at the eleven remaining tests arranged around the sink. They all stare up at her with the same results.

She scoots the trashcan to the end of the counter. With her arm she clears off the counter. The tests all fall into the trash. She stands in the mirror, looking at herself. She finds her reflection staring back at her, reminding her of all the bad choices that she's made, all of the lies that she's told. She looks at the watch on her wrist, that she forgot to take off the night before. She realizes that she has to get ready for work.

Monday rolls around before she knows it. She knows that she has to deal with reality, that she can't put it off any longer. She's three hours into her shift. Zoey looks over at her, as they attend to a trauma patient. Zoey shoots her a questioning look, which Jackie ignores. Later at the nurses station Zoey confronts her.

"Are you feeling alright?" Zoey wonders as she writes on a chart.

"Fine, why?"

"You looked a little green in there."

"Zoey I have been doing this a long time, nothing makes me sick anymore."

"As long as you're sure."

Jackie looks at her watch.

"You have a date?"

"I do. I am going to head for lunch a little bit early today, since we're a little slow."

"Ok," Zoey agrees.

A block away Jackie sits in the exam room, waiting anxiously. She stares at the ceiling, trying not to face the situation. The nurse comes in to assess her. Then the doctor enters the room. He asks her a series of questions, which she answers without once looking at him. She glances at her watch as he begins. The room goes silent. Unfortunately he breaks the silence.

"Jackie?"

She makes eye contact. He points to the screen, "This is what we're dealing with," he reveals.

She stares at the screen, and her heart sinks.

"I see," is all she can manage to say.

"You're about four weeks along."

"Yeah."

He finishes the exam, and she leaves the office. The reality doesn't start catching up with her until she gets back to the hospital. She stops in the bathroom, before she heads back to the floor. She washes her hands. She checks her appearance in the mirror, hoping that she can convince everyone that she's ok. She reminds herself it shouldn't be too hard, she's been doing it her entire life.

Before her train of thought can go any further it is derailed by the sudden wave of nausea. She turns, and makes a beeline for an empty stall.


End file.
